We are going to re-run our course on EPO proceedings. There is still a whole load of people queuing
up for the chance to feel out of their depth and demoralised. And so successful was the last course at
recreating that unique frisson of unpredictability and despair that oral
proceedings provide, we feel it is our duty to open up the experience to a
wider group of victims.
Obviously I have learnt a lot from organising last year’s
course, so this year it should be easy.
In fact, in the spirit of expertise-sharing, here is my blueprint for
How to Run A Training Course.
- Begin by writing a project
plan. Make it bold and
optimistic. Format it as a
brightly-coloured table. Distribute
it widely. None of this matters:
nobody will read it anyway.
- Write detailed
instructions for everyone mentioned in the project plan. Nobody will read those either.
- Write a syllabus. Ditto.
- Embellish the syllabus
with boxes of Learning Outcomes. Be
honest about these. If you expect
that by the end of the course, students will be able to:
- describe the early
symptoms of paranoia,
- generate their own panic
attack and
- understand the value of
cognitive behavioural therapy,
you should say so.
- Keep calm when team
members email you at random points during the project and ask what they’re
supposed to be doing, when, where and why.
Do not weep when they ask you what the course is about. Refer them to the project plan and the
embellished syllabus.
- However, if they cannot
remember your name, then you are allowed to weep.
- When they ask for more
time to complete their allocated tasks, always grant them an
extension. This is a face-saving
measure. They are not going to complete
their tasks in time anyway. You may
as well be gracious about it, and maintain at least a semblance of
control.
- Bin the project plan.
- Write the course
manual. Base it loosely on the
material your team members have supplied, only pretend they were working
to the same syllabus as you.
- Bin the syllabus.
- Do not under any
circumstances allow other people to edit what you have written. It is up to you where you put your
commas and Capital Letters. Take
heart from the fact that people who send you tracked changes will never,
ever check whether you’ve accepted those changes. A tracked change is a Job Done and
Forgotten About.
- Record some webinars. Bring your own IT system in case the IT
Department has forgotten to come to work that morning. Try not to fall asleep while recording
the webinars, even if they are long, because it is demoralising for the
speakers. Your job is to keep the
speakers upbeat and jolly, by telling them how upbeat and jolly they
sound.
- Hold a planning
meeting. People may or may not
come, and if they do, they may not come to the same place and at the same
time as you do. But it will make
you feel better.
- Be strict about the dress
code for your meetings. Especially
if there are barristers involved.
Barristers like to shock you into believing they are gods, but
actually they are not gods they are just very articulate messengers of the
gods. And messengers of the gods
are used to hiding their normal clothes under gowns. Look at the angels.
- Find a venue with a
terribly nice man in charge of it, so that it hardly matters that your
meeting rooms are spread over three floors and there is only one plate of
biscuits between them.
- Alert the Biscuit Pixies
to a potential biscuit famine on floors one and two; ensure supplies
arrive by 10 am.
- Hold a final planning
meeting. Hope that you are
quorate. Invite some people in off
the street just in case. If you are
lucky, they may be able to write the last chapters of the course manual
for you.
- Find someone to print your
course manual in a nice glossy professional format. Be aware, however, that printers and
publishers use a different calendar to the rest of us, and also they do
not like to work too quickly for fear of bending the space-time continuum. If you need the printed manuals by Friday,
tell them your absolute final deadline is Tuesday.
- Hold an absolutely final planning
meeting. On your own. Find somewhere comfortable. Invite some alcoholic beverages.
- On the morning of the
workshop day, get up early and stop whimpering. Your job is to put pretty-coloured
stickers on people’s name badges so that they know which group they’re
in. Do not make a mess of this
vital task.
- You also need to talk to
the terribly nice man and his colleagues about where you want the plate of
biscuits to be. Tell them: Don’t
worry; I will carry it around with me.
- You may need to collect
some of the delegates from their homes and escort them to the workshop
venue, if they have forgotten to read the document that tells them where
the course is being held. (This is
of course an immediate fail if you are doing real oral proceedings.) Do not forget to tie their shoelaces for
them and check that they have their packed lunch and PE kit.
- At the workshop, relax and
enjoy yourself. This is your Big
Day. It is your chance to swan
around telling everyone you are the Course Leader but not actually doing
anything useful. If anything looks
like going wrong, move quickly to another room to be busy and important.
- When the workshop has
finished, stay behind to gather up the unused course notes. Eat all the leftover biscuits: this is
your prerogative as Chief Tidying-Up Pixie. Weep tears of relief and vow never to
run the course again.
- Repeat.
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