Saturday, 7 March 2015

All about dental implants

2 February 2015

I take a break from the CIPA work to have some dental implants forced into my mouth.

There are two types of implant: screw-fitting and bayonet-fitting.  Or at least, that’s what it looked like to me, from the pretty cross-sections which the very expensive dentist showed me.  The very expensive dentist thinks I am thick (in my defence, it is not easy to be intelligent when your mouth is clamped open and someone has a power tool inside it), so he has explained the cross-sections to me in great detail.  This pink area with the tooth sticking out of it, he says: this is the gum.  You don’t say.  He says: it is like we have sliced through your jawbone to look at the tooth and gum.  Gosh that’s clever, I say, only it comes out as goshawarrumph.

Then he explains how the toothy bit screws onto the screwy bit, and apologises if this is a bit complicated.  I say: it is not as complicated as my son’s Airfix® instructions.  It comes out as ashashoppyate-umphwheffelshuns.

Anyway, today it feels like he actually has sliced through my jawbone, so maybe I misunderstood the cross-sections after all.  He subjects me to three hours’ worth of very expensive torture.  With thirty minutes to go, he asks a very expensive stock control technician for an implant of a specific size and shape.  I hear the very expensive stock control technician rummaging in a toolbox.  Then I hear him say he doesn’t think they have any.  I have a strong urge to bite down on the very expensive hand in my mouth.  Having the correct type of implant is, I feel, something he should have checked for before he started.  Or am I being picky?

Nothing more is said for a while.  I suspect they made do with a 15 mm rawlplug instead.  I have no desire to check.

Once home, I return to my PC and stare at my inbox, dribbling miserably into a bowl of soup which is all I am going to be able to eat from now on ever until I die.  And for once, I cannot bring myself to write any emails back.


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  7. Sounds extremely painful. I always feel like all the dentistry talk is over my head. My dentist does a pretty good job of explaining what he is doing, how he is doing it and most importantly why he is doing it. I figure if I am paying for it, I should probably understand what my money is actually going to.

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