Sunday, 9 November 2014

Birthday traditions

31 October 2014

It is my birthday, so I am not going to do any CIPA work at all, no sir.

My family are always most solicitous on my birthday.  I think they are worried that having a birthday on Halloween is symbolic of something more fundamentally disturbing, and they are taking no chances.  There is therefore an established format for the day and we stick to it year on year.  Mainly it involves getting me sufficiently drunk that I couldn’t do anything evil even if I tried, though some years I have tried very hard and some years, to be fair, I have been very provoked. 

They always buy me nice-smelling bath products and scented candles.  The candles are to ward off evil spirits, and the bath products are to lure me into having a bath so that they can check whether I float or not.  Sometimes they put apples in the bath too, which do float, and I am supposed to get them out with my teeth, which is supposed to be good fun but I don’t know if you have ever tasted an apple covered in bath oil; it is not nice.

Since it is my birthday, they refuse to let me cook anything, especially anything in a cauldron, and most especially that recipe with the newts’ eyeballs.  They refuse to let me do any housework either, on the grounds that a broom can give you backache and we cannot have the birthday girl getting broom-induced backache.  And at bedtime they decorate my room with garlic and pretty little crosses, and chain me to the bed to avoid me getting disturbed in the night.  It is all terribly considerate of them.

And without fail, the following morning some joker will greet me with: “It’s alright, Mum, you can take the Halloween mask off now!”

Oh ha ha LOL.

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