I am frantically preparing for the 5 November Council
meeting. Normally I leave Council
meetings to other people to get frantic about, but this time there is a risk
that the President might be away and therefore that I might actually have to
chair the meeting. Clearly this is
terrifying. I can be scary, sure, but I am no
match for 24 grumpy Council members and true.
I decide the best way to prepare is to have all the papers
ready well in advance and an agenda that is timed to the last 30 seconds (Mr
Davies is working on this; he is good at misdirected optimism). I have this mad vision of a Council that
reads all said papers beforehand so that at the meeting, all it needs to do is
cast a final vote on several carefully-drafted proposals. So my ideal Council meeting would go
something like this:
Me (in the Chair da-da-da-DA!): Shut up and listen everyone.
Rest of Council: rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb.
Me: No really, shut up, or I shall start Morris dancing.
[Immediate silence.]
Me: Agenda item 1.
Council member 1: Madame Chairgentlewoman, could we just
clarify what-
Me: No. Just vote.
It’s not rocket science. Yes or
no?
[Reluctant show of
hands. Mr Davies writes something
unintelligible in the minutes, which he will later come to regret.]
Me: Agenda item 2.
Council member 2: May I just say, with all due respect, that
this proposal is complete BALDERDASH.
Me: Yes, Mr Boff, you may.
Council member 2: This proposal is complete BALDERDASH.
Me: With all due respect?
Council member 2: Yes, with all due respect. But in the circumstances, it appears there is
very little respect due.
Me: Fair point. Now
vote. Yes or no?
[Reluctant show of hands. Much grumbling. Mr Davies’s pen runs out. I take the opportunity to steal another
biscuit.]
Me: Agenda item 3.
Council member 3: This item should really have been
considered before agenda item 2.
Me: Absolutely. Never
mind. Yes or no?
Council member 4: I haven’t read the papers on this
yet. What is it about?
Me: Don’t care. Yes
or no?
[Collars begin to
steam. Mr Davies takes the steam as an
indication of consent and records a unanimous “yes” vote.]
Me: Agenda item 4.
Council member 5: Ah, this one. Personally I think we should have a long and convoluted
discussion about this and be rude to one another in the process.
Council member 6: And I would like to say something at a
complete tangent to the issue under discussion.
Council member 7: And I would like to tell that story again
about my first trainee in 1937.
Council member 8: And I am spoiling for a fight.
Rest of Council: Hear, hear!
Me: Overruled!
Council member 9: This is outrageous! The Vice-President is a ruthless dictator! I propose
a vote of no confidence!
Me: Yay! Vote
away. Yes or no?
Rest of Council: Yes!
Down with the ruthless Vice-President!
Me: Result!
[Pause.]
Council member 10: What happens now?
Council member 11: We must check the Bye-Laws.
Council member 12: Has anyone seen the Bye-Laws?
Council member 13: Mr Davies had them last.
[Everyone looks at Mr
Davies. Mr Davies looks at his shoes. His pen runs out again.]
Council member 14: But do we mean the current Bye-Laws or
the about-to-be-rewritten Bye-Laws with the new improved provisions on getting
things done quicker?
Mr Davies: The about-to-be-rewritten Bye-Laws are still with
the Under-50s Club being rewritten but not very quickly.
Council member 2: Tosh!
It is all utter tosh!
Council member 15: What is?
Council member 2: Everything is. Tosh and balderdash and-… Why is the Vice-President leaving??
Me: Ladies, Gentlemen, I’m off to happy hour. Anyone coming with me?
[All except Mr Davies
scrape back chairs, gather up laptops and leave.]
Mr Davies [weeping]:
But what about the OGM…?
You see, it is important to get through all the business
quickly, because we have a happy hour scheduled for after the meeting. And in between the meeting and the happy
hour, there is an Ordinary General Meeting to vote in lots of new members. We have a backlog of bright young students
waiting at the front door because we have not held enough OGMs recently to vote
them in. And we have not held enough
OGMs recently because, well, to be frank, OGMs are extremely tedious and no one
ever wants to come to them.
Anyway, I am blowed if either the Council meeting or the
Ordinary Generally Tedious Meeting is going to encroach on happy hour. So a ruthless dictatorship it will be.
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